i really dunno how to look at my family anymore. all they do is blame their misfortunes onto others. they're all depressing in their own ways. my dad would be selfishly ignorant. my sister would be placing the argument on ransom, while benefitting only herself. my mom would not look pass the minds of others, only caring about herself.

 

what can i say? IM SICK OF IT! sick sick sick!!! sick of it all!

 

i can't stand how she thinks she's the pitiful one, losing the love of one daughter, bout to lose the other's. had she thought of how she allow it to happen? had she noticed that she disregarded what the daughters have asked or told, leading to this irreversible scenario? she may think that it's us who changed, changed to the very worse. yes we've changed. we've matured. we are no longer the young child who must held onto the mother's hand, yet saw another woman's face when we look up. i no longer wish for that motherly care i used to need. i wished for independence and solitude. i do not mind how little she can read of my mind, for i know that she never gave the heart to understand that sound imprisoned. not even a moment long enough. had she ever took her time to realize what i worried about and pressure upon? had she ever assist when i was lost on my path, lending a guiding hand? i was brought up with no help whatsoever in choosing my future. she gave no consent on what my plans were. she never asked. other than if i will leave her. i do not want to be dependent or be the protector. i was brought up w/ my very own armoury. they had been precious to me eversince i felt suppression. that weight of responsibility borne on my shoulders. she wasnt there to lift those rocks. why must she followed closely when im used to those weight?

 

sometimes, i envy parents who look after their children's actions. some parents watch over their kids' myspaces, blogs, etc. but no matter how much i wish she would read my blogs and understand my situation, there is no living soul to be seen. the weed tumbles on the deserted island. the island of cooperation. the island of family. sadly to say, i feel ashamed.

 

i'm ashamed of my fortunes.